My phone, the gastronome 9: Fatass edition

Despite my waxing poetic about plant-based eating and green smoothies, I am still just taking baby steps. I am cooking and eating very little meat at home but when I’m out and about, I find it hard to say no to my favorite foods. What can I say, I’m a fatass at heart and old habits die hard. Scroll on and you’ll see what I mean.

Fette Sau BBQ in Williamsburg smokes their locally-sourced meats with dry rubs - sauce-free. They sell everything by weight and due to its high quality, it is quite pricey and the menu is subject to chance. This pulled pork and beef rib were so tender that they melted in my mouth, and so greasy that I could practically them coating my arteries. Despite having split the above with Rene, on a scale from one to fatass, this meal is surely a code red.

A few months ago, I finally made it to Balthazar, the iconic French restaurant in SoHo. I had the Bar Steak with their infamous pomme frites and bearnaise sauce. This moment of fatass-ness can be forgiven as one does not finally make it to Balthazar and simply order a salad.

Shrimp boiled with their heads on and tossed in a creamy garlic sauce with dill is a Russian specialty that one wouldn’t cook at home. It is a dish enjoyed exclusively at restaurants - as a snack, with beer. The experience of eating it is pretty intense: You dig into the hot dish with your fingers, tear off the head of a shrimp, as well as the legs and outer shell, give it another dip in the garlicky goodness and slip it into your mouth. Eating this dish is as much about the actual food as it is about the ritual. This particular shrimp was had at Kebeer, a beer bar and restaurant on Brighton Beach.

Above is the roast pork benedict from my beloved Hunter’s in Brooklyn. This being my third time at Hunter’s, I’ve already learned to expect nothing less than perfection and this dish was no different. Why anyone would choose to serve eggs benedict with measly ham instead of roasted pork is beyond me now.

This brunch was sort of a special occasion. I have been e-friends with Declan and Erica (America’s Cutest Cooking Couple from Cooking in College) for several years now but we have never met in real life - until a few weekends ago, that is. They traveled to spend Labor Day weekend in NYC and asked me to show them around, which I was super excited about. I suggested we start the day with brunch - as well all know that a great New York weekend includes brunch - and one at Hunter’s specifically. Fortunately, neither of us turned out to have Catfish-ed the other and all three were exactly who they said they were!

After sightseeing in DUMBO, walking across the Brooklyn Bridge, having midday beers at Beekman Garden and visiting the 9/11 memorial, we worked up quite an appetite and headed to Williamsburg to finish off the day. This time we decided to go less classy and dine on the bacon-wrapped, deep-fried Crif Dogs, which Declan and Erica loved. This fatass meal was had in the name of tourism, so it’s a-okay

After deciding to forego the wrap-around queue at Shake Shack, Rene and I walked toward Union Square and found ourselves at Clarke’s Standard - a brand new burger chain from the same people that brought us the iconic P.J. Clarke’s restaurant near Lincoln Center.

I ordered the Brooklyn Au Poivre burger ($7.75), served on a sourdough roll with sauteed peppers and onions and gouda cheese. The cracked pepper sauce cited on the menu was nowhere to be found on my burger, but besides this disappointing fact, the burger was lackluster. Located geographically between 5 Napkin Burger and Shake Shack, it was not on par with either peer.

This Bareburger was had during a work lunch with my fellow interns, Beatrice and Erin. If you are wondering just what that monstrosity is atop the burger, I will tell you. Those are spicy fried pickle spears. Yup…

This fatass moment was simply irresponsible. Eating a huge burger with country bacon, cheese and deep-fried pickles during a work lunch is basically saying goodbye to all energy and productivity for the rest of the day. I hope no one saw me dozing off at my desk that afternoon…

Lastly, here is a gorgeous photo I snapped on an evening in Chinatown.